#65 - Find a new church...

While I am now searching, today's wasn't so much about the church that I will go to, but the change that took place inside me while at today's church. (Long post, be warned).

I attended the noon mass at St. Paul's Church. And there are many things about the Catholic Church I like -for one I can go anywhere in the country and know what's going on within the service. I don't walk in and become immeadiately lost in the order of worship or the prayers. Which for someone who isn't Catholic (or wasn't raised that way) it can be confusing. But in every parish around the country, the same readings are occuring. I find it comforting to be able to participate in the spoken prayers as I have for most of my life. There are differences, please don't think every Catholic Church is the same, they aren't. But on the whole, the liturgy carries from one parish to another. As well, coming from a very Catholic family (both sides, for generations), I feel a connection to my family that I don't have while I'm down here away from them. Particularly my mom's mom, who I miss terribly.

There are things I totally disagree with as well, but this post is about what happened within me. And here it is...

I've had some things weighing on me hard for probably... months. Stuff I'm not sure how to share, what to do with, how to fix, or exactly what I can pinpoint it to. Suffice it to say, its an internal battle thats been going on within me dealing with external forces- and while I believe in spiritual battles, this is something I feel is more in me. Addictions aren't easy for anyone, and I think everyone has some things they are addicted to. Caffeine is a huge one. Alcohol is another. Cigarettes- Holy heavens, do I see that EVERY day at work. Not just staff either. Food, porn, shopping, gambling, chocolate, computer addictions, etc etc etc. I think many people see some of these as harmless and others more... dangerous to either self or others.

I've been struggling with my own addiction for a while. Its not easy to even admit that at all. But I have been dealing with an addiction and its changing how I handle things, how I interact with others, how I treat myself. And to me, its a bad thing.

And I've realized its become this just over this past weekend. And knew I needed to do something about it. And this morning, its as though things needed to happen the way that they did. Initially I intended to go to St Luke's (and hunt around various other Episcopal churches in the coming weeks til I find a place where I agree with their stances and feel welcome and know there is a youth ministry going on that once I'm ready I can offer help to).

However, stars aligned differently and I, being the perpetually late-Kate that I am, ended up arriving near that church 15 minutes late. Well, I wasn't going to do that. So I came home, went to Zummo's for a chai and quiche, and ended up at St Pauls.

Where we sang this today.

Go ahead. Go to the site and listen to it. Or open it in a new tab or window and hear it while you read on. It was as if God Himself reached down and said, "lay it down. Follow me. You won't be the same and you will be better for it."

Lyrics

1. Will you come and follow me
If I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know
And never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown,
Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown
In you and you in me?

2. Will you leave yourself behind
If I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind
And never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare
Should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer
In you and you in me?

3. Will you let the blinded see
If I but call your name?
Will you set the pris’ners free
And never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean,
And do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean
In you and you in me?

4. Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
To reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound
In you and you in me?

5. Lord, your summons echoes true
When you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you
And never be the same.
In your company I’ll go
Where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow
In you and you in me.

Text: 76 76 77 76; John L. Bell, © 1987, The Iona Community. All rights reserved. Used with permission of GIA Publications, Inc., exclusive North American agent. Music: Trad. Scottish Melody.

Loving the parts of me I hide from everyone is hard. And I got teary this morning and kept going and somehow it was lifted. Like I actually just took what He said, laid that thing down, said I'm done, and walked away from it. To let myself love myself.

Church hunt will continue, but today I am deeply grateful I went where I did. It only takes a moment to change a life forever. And today, in one single moment, everything changed.

Lord I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the words and I shall be healed.