#65 - Find a new church...

While I am now searching, today's wasn't so much about the church that I will go to, but the change that took place inside me while at today's church. (Long post, be warned).

I attended the noon mass at St. Paul's Church. And there are many things about the Catholic Church I like -for one I can go anywhere in the country and know what's going on within the service. I don't walk in and become immeadiately lost in the order of worship or the prayers. Which for someone who isn't Catholic (or wasn't raised that way) it can be confusing. But in every parish around the country, the same readings are occuring. I find it comforting to be able to participate in the spoken prayers as I have for most of my life. There are differences, please don't think every Catholic Church is the same, they aren't. But on the whole, the liturgy carries from one parish to another. As well, coming from a very Catholic family (both sides, for generations), I feel a connection to my family that I don't have while I'm down here away from them. Particularly my mom's mom, who I miss terribly.

There are things I totally disagree with as well, but this post is about what happened within me. And here it is...

I've had some things weighing on me hard for probably... months. Stuff I'm not sure how to share, what to do with, how to fix, or exactly what I can pinpoint it to. Suffice it to say, its an internal battle thats been going on within me dealing with external forces- and while I believe in spiritual battles, this is something I feel is more in me. Addictions aren't easy for anyone, and I think everyone has some things they are addicted to. Caffeine is a huge one. Alcohol is another. Cigarettes- Holy heavens, do I see that EVERY day at work. Not just staff either. Food, porn, shopping, gambling, chocolate, computer addictions, etc etc etc. I think many people see some of these as harmless and others more... dangerous to either self or others.

I've been struggling with my own addiction for a while. Its not easy to even admit that at all. But I have been dealing with an addiction and its changing how I handle things, how I interact with others, how I treat myself. And to me, its a bad thing.

And I've realized its become this just over this past weekend. And knew I needed to do something about it. And this morning, its as though things needed to happen the way that they did. Initially I intended to go to St Luke's (and hunt around various other Episcopal churches in the coming weeks til I find a place where I agree with their stances and feel welcome and know there is a youth ministry going on that once I'm ready I can offer help to).

However, stars aligned differently and I, being the perpetually late-Kate that I am, ended up arriving near that church 15 minutes late. Well, I wasn't going to do that. So I came home, went to Zummo's for a chai and quiche, and ended up at St Pauls.

Where we sang this today.

Go ahead. Go to the site and listen to it. Or open it in a new tab or window and hear it while you read on. It was as if God Himself reached down and said, "lay it down. Follow me. You won't be the same and you will be better for it."

Lyrics

1. Will you come and follow me
If I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know
And never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown,
Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown
In you and you in me?

2. Will you leave yourself behind
If I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind
And never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare
Should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer
In you and you in me?

3. Will you let the blinded see
If I but call your name?
Will you set the pris’ners free
And never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean,
And do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean
In you and you in me?

4. Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
To reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound
In you and you in me?

5. Lord, your summons echoes true
When you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you
And never be the same.
In your company I’ll go
Where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow
In you and you in me.

Text: 76 76 77 76; John L. Bell, © 1987, The Iona Community. All rights reserved. Used with permission of GIA Publications, Inc., exclusive North American agent. Music: Trad. Scottish Melody.

Loving the parts of me I hide from everyone is hard. And I got teary this morning and kept going and somehow it was lifted. Like I actually just took what He said, laid that thing down, said I'm done, and walked away from it. To let myself love myself.

Church hunt will continue, but today I am deeply grateful I went where I did. It only takes a moment to change a life forever. And today, in one single moment, everything changed.

Lord I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the words and I shall be healed.

#2 Pass my boards

Score Received from Prometric - Passed!!

That appeared in my status requests on the fsbpt site. :)

Hooray!

#1

Take my boards

The last couple of months, following moving and starting a new job and Christmas, have been hectic simply because of this one day. Today I took my boards. This is a test of 200 questions, in 4 hours, that asks anything and everything I could have learned in the two years of my program at BCC. It is long. And it is exhaustive.

And studying for it has been exhausting and all consuming. And now that its done and taken, and I can only wait for the results, I have no idea what to do with myself. I can only wait. And try to find a new hobby.

Not that this list isn't full of things I could be doing, but right now, while I wait, there isn't much I feel up to doing. So I'm hanging out. Watching Family Guy. And waiting.

#35

Donate to TWLOHA- I've bought some tshirts from them before, but I've ordered another shirt, a bag, a bracelet and buttons. In order to spread the word a smidge more. I believe that the people who created (Jamie) and are working for TWLOHA are doing an amazing thing. And I believe we all need to love each other or perish. That loving one another is the only thing we're really asked to do. So I will continue to try to do this.

NEW list...

So having gone over the lists I had done previously, I think its time for an entirely new list. Regardless of the fact that I have accomplished a bunch of the things on the previous lists, I think thats cheating since so much time has lapsed.

So. Here we go.

And my end date, Sept 29, 2011. :)

1. Take my boards
2. Pass my boards
3. Quickly handle the transferrance of my licensure to PA from NY
4. Have a long weekend in Feb to celebrate!
5. Visit California
6. Talk less, listen more
7. Visit Texas
8. Take dance classes
9. Own a kayak and use it
10. Hike all of Nay Aug park
11. Learn to rock climb
12. Take boxing classes
13. Learn to ski/snowboard
14. Learn sign language
15. Play my guitar
16. Paint
17. Get a puppy
18. Learn to refinish furniture and do so with the bookshelf
19. Get rid of un-listened to CDs, un-watched movies, un-read books (donate to library)
20. See Rent on stage (preferrably with Leo in the cast)
21. Stop procrastinating
22. Finish the unpacking, sorting, and discarding of extraneous 'stuff' (after boards, so not til Feb 09)
23. Read one new book a month
24. See Sarah Mc, BNL, and Rascal Flatts in concert
25. See Jeff Dunham live

26. Lose another 5-10 lbs and maintain it.
27. Payments made on time, monthly for the duration.
28. Use my cookbooks and make a new recipe monthly
29. Get the car registered, insured, etc in PA
30. Participate in Bookcrossing (0/5)
31. Participate in Postcrossing (0/5)
32. Participate in 26 Things
33. Work on scrapbooking
34. Look into massage therapy schools
35. Donate to TWLOHA and spread the word
36. Participate in the 3-day Breast Cancer Walk in DC
37. Walk every day, despite the weather (pre-doggie)
38. Go to a day spa with mom for massages, pedicures, and manicures
39. Increase savings, 6 month cushion
40. Increase amount going into 401k by 2010
41. See the Monty Python Show on Broadway
42. Finally watch The Office
43. Get a birdfeeder, and feed the little ones
44. Apply to a massage therapy school
45. Knit more than scarves-find a knitting group to learn from
46. See 'Into the Wild' movie
47. Find at least 5 new bloggers to follow (0/5)
48. Hike a PA state park, a NY state park, a CA state park, and a TX state park (0/4)
49. Fall in love
50. Be more responsible about the car- repairs, oil changes, etc

51. Use iTunes and my iPod
52. Learn to play poker
53. Play poker with residents (s)
54. Progressively cut back on sweets
55. Take yoga classes
56. Find new musicians (groups/artists) that I love (0/10)
57. See local music
58. If travelling, go out and find some local music
59. Forgive myself for mistakes
60. Learn to relax
61. Redux in anxiety about things out of my control
62. Learn about eating meat after 17 years of not
63. Buyblue
64. Sew little cutesy-nesses
65. Find a new church down here, attend semi-regularly
66. See Mary Poppins on stage
67. Spend more time with the grandparents
68. Keep in touch with family better
69. Attend Ryan and MaryAnne's wedding
70. Emmulate Zanna in my care of residents
71. Road trip along the East Coast
72. Watch at least one movie a week I've never seen before
73. Enjoy an entire blue hour
74. Learn at least 3 funny jokes (0/3)
75. Become better at telling stories

76. Attend a MLB game
77. Surprise visit someone
78. Learn about activities in the area and attend monthly (0/33)
79. Be happy
80. Live love, walk in love, treat others with love, be love
81. Mail a secret to Postsecret
82. Frame more pictures
83. Take more photos
84. Start donating blood again
85. Move (so I can get a puppy)
86. Donate to Hopeline
87. Visit Canada
88. Teeth cleanings twice a year
89. Send flowers
90. Go for massages every 6 months
91. Discover how to protect myself in terms of trust and guarding my heart
92. Figure out how to get limewire downloads into my iTunes
93. Find what inspires me, moves me, makes me happy- make an effort to do those every day
94. Keep the house 'visitor ready' which means I have less clutter all the time. I hope.
95. Let my friends and family know I appreciate them, often
96. Send Bubs' mama mail while he's away in Albany
97. Create video-blogness
98. Visit cousins in Florida
99. Get a new car
100. Live by the thought that I expect to pass through this world once, and should do every kindness I can
101. Make a new list and post it at the conclusion of this one